Claudian's Corner

You've tried to move forward with your life but you just can't help it, you still love him/her. People have told you "learn from it and get over it" but it's not as easy as it seems because you feel stuck.

How do you switch off those feelings?

You can't. If you truly loved him/her you will never stop loving. When you truly love someone (I am not talking about the ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven kind of thing most of us think is love), you never ever get over it. That's just the way love is.

When we fall in true love, we open ourselves to a part of ourselves that is far much bigger and more powerful than just our mind, will and emotions. But because our understanding of this "thing called love' is so limited (mind, will and emotions) we attach love to a particular person, someone outside of us. We see that person as a love object instead of a reflection of ourselves, a possession to hold onto instead of a conduit for the expression of the love within us.

This ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven sense of love tends to think and act as if both love and time are elusive or actively evading us. We are constantly searching, planning, manipulating and worrying about how love will stay in our lives. We try to hold onto it: set limits on time to call after a date, when to say "I love you", when to expect a commitment etc. We are distracted by all the other ego-driven impulses such as jealousy, sense of inadequacy, fear of responsibility, not to mention power control.

When the person goes away, our limited understanding of love tries to explain the void left by that person using our mind, will and emotions. We struggle with trying to make '"sense', will ourselves not to think about the person and control our emotions but all that just ends up in a frustrated effort. Occasionally, our limited understanding tries to get the person back using the same futile attempts and when that fails too, we try using the same limited understanding to try and move on, but with no apparent luck.

What do you do with those feelings of love?

1. Sort out what is true love and what is ego-fear -driven about your feelings.

2. After you've established what is true love about your feelings hold onto that. Don't be afraid of what's in your heart.

3. Do some real inner cleaning up of all the junk that is keeping you in ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven ways of loving. This does require risk in the sense of losing "grip" of what you have been familiar with all your life. But this step in absolutely necessary - no one can do it for you. It is this liberating of yourself that leads to a condition of happiness never before experienced.

With an expanding perspective of love, you will start to draw into your life people who reflect the balance and love you have achieved internally. Depending on where you are at, you will attract (i) people who are also searching for their inner balance/peace, or (ii) people who have already been on that path and found what you are searching for, people who will help and support you through your own journey. 

I have had clients who are drawn to a chance meeting with an ex and because they are vibrating a different energy, the feelings are rekindled both ways. In other cases, they call me up and say, I met my ex at such and such a place "I still love/him/her but I do not feel like we are right for each other anymore" and they meet someone else. I have also had clients who try to reach out to an ex but found the other person in the frame of mind where they think and feel they are happier with someone else. But they are not devastated because they understand the nature of love and are confident that they will experience those feelings with someone again.

Don't surround yourself with imagined limitations, and deny yourself the opportunity to experience true love!